“Attention all chronic opinion-givers!!! I am now entering into one of the most importantly intimate seasons of my life, so gather round and tell me how I should and shouldn’t do all the things!!"
Did you yell that when you got engaged? Because when I was a bride, I certainly did not. But I could swear it’s what people hear when the ring goes on the finger.
Chances are, they just want to help out by relating to you in whatever way they can. So smile and nod, don’t let it get to you, and just do what makes you happy.
But what happens when their opinion-giving turns into opinion-forcing? What happens when noses start to pop up in places they don’t belong? What do you when it starts to become disrespectful and hurtful?
You set boundaries by is simply communicating with those around you what is and is not ok with you.
But how the heck do you do that without feeling guilty and icky? By communicating the right way.
1. The 'This Is Mine’ Boundary
For controlling folks who make decisions on your behalf and eventually, start taking away pieces of who you are and replacing it with pieces of themselves...
“I appreciate how much you care and that’s why I would love for you to help me with _______."
The controllers are gonna control. Divert them to something you wouldn’t mind letting them control. That way, you keep your things to yourself and you give them something else to play with. Playground rules never fail, my friends.
2. The 'Stop, That Hurts' Boundary
For the insensitive humans who just don’t see what they’re doing to you or worse, they see it and still do it...
“I value our relationship and that’s why I’m not ok with you ________."
This one is all about protecting yourself. Therefore, it’s usually the hardest. It might be messy and it might feel bad at first, but you need to take a stand for your needs. If they don’t respect your needs, then that’s their problem. You’ll feel released from a massive burden afterwards.
3. The 'Final Word' Boundary
For those who have trouble respecting your decisions and love to slip in passive aggressive comments whenever they get the chance...
“I love our conversations and that’s why I’m letting you know that this no longer needs to be a part of them."
Period. End of story. End of conversation. Bye.
The secret word in all of these boundaries is “AND”. There is no but. Setting boundaries isn’t a negative thing followed by that dreaded “BUT”.
I love you BUT this isn’t ok. vs. I love you AND that’s why this isn’t ok.
See the difference? You set boundaries because you care and you love and you want to include.
You set boundaries because you’re the bride and you deserve respect, you deserve space, and you deserve to have the wedding of your dreams.